First, I have to give a shout out to all the mamas. Before becoming a mother I had been told it can be tough but I never knew just how tough. There are a million blog posts I could write about all the ways in which motherhood is tough beyond words—but that's for a later day. When I see a mama wrangling her toddler, holding her babe, walking side by side with her adolescent—I am in awe and filled with gratitude for her daily journey.
Today I wanted to share with you where I'm personally at...and that is tired, uninspired in certain areas of my life such as my business, and also feeling guilty about it! Maybe this has been you, and maybe just reading these words will help you realize you're not alone.
Now don't get me wrong, I love my business! Making adorable, healthy moccasins for littles is an absolute blast and I feel awesome about it. There are just times when I am just so damn tired that I can't seem to find the inspiration to build up that stock for my next venue—which is going to be an awesome venue—stay tuned! Or I'm too tired to update my website...too tired to write that blog post, you get the idea. Tired and uninspired. Being a mama chasing around a toddler that isn't the greatest sleeper takes its toll in a very real, tangible way. Forgetful—check. Foggy brain—check. Clumsy—check. Drive to the wrong location—check. The list goes on my friends. I recently realized it's been a solid 22 months since my last full night of sleep (accounting for part of my pregnancy and arrival of our little man). The affects of sleep deprivation are legitimate! It's crazy. I mean just crazy that we mamas can be so tired and yet we wouldn't choose any other life than the one we have. We choose this path with our eyes wide open (now) and it is hard, and it is beautiful.
A note on guilt. I never felt guilt like this before becoming a mother. Guilty about sleeping arrangements. Guilty about breastfeeding. Guilty about nap times and missing play dates and guilty about being the first to leave the party because, well, my kid isn't that flexible about losing sleep and it's just not worth it to disrupt that precious sleep cycle of his. Guilt about a wet diaper. Guilt about forgetting a nutrient-dense snack. Guilt that I forgot to wipe the egg off my kids face before we went out the door. Guilty that I didn't sew up a pair of moccasins at nap time today when I totally had the chance but chose to garden instead. It all sounds so silly writing it down now. But I have felt varying degrees of guilt for all these things despite having a pretty healthy and rational outlook on life. Motherhood and sleep deprivation do some pretty crazy things to you!
So, I think I'm writing this post as a form of therapy almost—who knows, maybe it will help you too, or someone you know. I don't want to feel guilty about being tired and uninspired with my business anymore. I think I can just own it. I love this business, making moccasins, making connections with new people, dreaming, growing personally and professionally—it's amazing and I'm so fortunate in this regard! I've decided to embrace that I can feel inspired by different things at different times. For example, right now it's gorgeous here in Central Washington. The weather is nice and being outside just feels natural and right—so I do that. I get outside everyday, multiple times a day. The little man and I are in the back yard, we're in the garden, we're walking to the park, we're meeting up with friends and family at the dam to watch the salmon run through the fish ladder, we're splashing in the river—and this inspires me.
So here we are, I've stripped away my guilt. I've realized that I find inspiration daily—which is what's really important. And now, now I am just left with being tired, and folks, I imagine that sensation will be with me for quite a long while. Welcome to parenthood—and may we find ways to thrive and grow together despite being forgetful, clumsy and so, so tired.
My hope for you is that you will find inspiration today, that you will shake off the weight of guilt and know you're doing an amazing job, and that somehow, someway, you can sneak a nap in.